Yesterday when news of Robin Williams' death popped up in my feed I felt an incredible emptiness in my core. Despite the fact that I usually hold this kind of sadness for those closest to me, those I knew in real life, there's a deep anguish that feels like a web of energy amplified by the mere existance of 'movies' and 'internet,' of places like 'facebook' where each of my friends and acquiantences is sharing the moment to acknowledge the loss and power of one amazing individual. One person who personified the creative spirit, exuberance, and humor that unites, ignites laughter, and inspires us to be better people in the world.
Now it's been twenty four hours and I still feel a hollowness mixed with sadness. And a little upset when I stop and think on it once again. Each time, which surprisingly has been quite often for an actor-comedian in my little world, I'm taken to a place of remembrance. I wonder how many of you are as well. Because suicide is a different kind of pain in death. Its a grappling, sad, mystery in death's name.
This past day I've thought back and forth between my own personal close-ups with suicide.
Twelve years ago this spring my grandfather took his life. This spring a good friend we met and loved in Suriname left behind his beautiful young family.
It's a confusing time, each time, as suicide by nature is. We spend so much time in our lives looking to avoid death, so when it meets someone head on it feels so shamefully awful to those left behind. So bewildering.
Instead of watching the person in pain, of pondering death, of meeting it head on, grappling with it, and oftentimes facing it and coming to terms with its inevitability, suicide usually sneaks up on those nearby. It steals away your love and leaves behind confusion and unanswered questions. So bitterly horrible, it feels like you've been robbed by the person you love so dearly when they go this way. And yet, it simply is. One of those painful realities of our mixed bag of life.
And so, since hearing the news, each time it scrolls across my feed, which is covered with articles and tributes, quotes and photos, I feel a wrenching pain that's deeper than just one death. It's a connectedness to everyone in pain right now. Everyone left behind. Everyone in confusion and disbelief and sadness. And it hurts a bit still, as I suppose it will always.
I can't help but click on articles that pop up now, wonderful sharing about depression, Robin's life, his movies, quotes. But this Buddhist's Perspective on Suicide is worth reading. It's a reminder of the boxes we make for ourselves. The harshness we often impose on our own lives to meet some standard we've devised. The wanting one thing to complete or fulfill all needs for simplicity's sake.
Anyhow, returning to moments of sadness and pondering life's big picture again as this death drifts into the past and brings opportunities for us all to live better lives in our own time...
My own favorites: Film - Goodwill Hunting
First Actor Love: Mork & Mindy (nanu nanu)
Maybe you want to share a tidbit with the world in regards to some of these topics? If so, drop me a note or leave a comment. Hugs.